When Our Desires Align With Our Values, Discipline Becomes a Second Nature
An alternative path to personal and planetary transformation through connection to personal values
This is a re-post from a medium article I recently wrote, and that was greatly appreciated by the readers. It was also edited by the wonderful Lidia Chmel. The tone of voice differs from what you usually find in this newsletter. It’s more assertive, less ambiguous, less complex, less philosophic- more life-coach. I like to experiment with different styles of writing, and I am aware that it is precisely those three characteristics - assertiveness, clarity, simplicity - that make writing compelling for many. At the same time, I firmly believe that embracing less certainty, more ambiguity, and complexity are essential characteristics for a good life in the Anthropocene, and as many of you know, I think philosophy (rather than life-coaching) will provide us with the necessary skills and meaning of the meta-crisis. I trust that those who are led to my work here share a similar feeling.
So, for a change of pace, I hope you enjoy reading this as you savor your Monday morning coffee.
Our desires are often contradictory.
We want to be fit and healthy, but we also want to eat donuts for breakfast each day.
We don’t want to contribute to global warming, but we also want to fly to that Bali retreat everyone raves about.
Our cravings or desires may not always align with our true needs or the needs of others. We then conclude that we just don’t have enough discipline. In response, we might give up entirely, postpone our ambitions to the following Monday, or book a self-help seminar or ayahuasca weekend to avoid doing the change and have someone else (human or god-like) make the change for us.
Instead of doing all of the above, we must learn to understand our values, assert them in our relationships, and cultivate self-knowledge to discern our values from superficial wants.
Let me give you an example.
I had a friend who used to party four times a week while half-heartedly pursuing a degree in web design. She often expressed a desire to quit partying and focus on her education, yet her attempts at self-discipline always faltered. Was she lazy? A societal misfit?
One day, she attended a yoga class, and something remarkable happened. She returned the next day, then the day after that, and the next, eventually becoming hooked. Three months later, she enrolled to become a yoga teacher, leaving her studies behind.
The partying? Almost instantly ceased.
She didn’t need self-discipline to do that.
It was also not about her finding her purpose that miraculously transformed her.
Instead, her values changed. She found something more important to her than getting doped.
Values drive behavior.
Values are the compass that directs our actions.
For instance, if you choose to fly to Bali for a retreat despite its environmental impact, you’re prioritizing your personal rejuvenation over environmental concerns. Some argue that this self-care indirectly benefits the environment, as personal healing contributes to global healing in some magical way. I am not using the term magical in a disrespectful way. I don’t even disagree that this argument might have truth to it. And there is more to the world than what can be measured and calculated (like a carbon footprint). But despite all that, there is — not only but also — a very physical reality in which our carbon footprint impacts the climate.
When our values align with our desires, discipline becomes almost second nature, as we can’t fathom acting otherwise.
Conversely, if we proclaim to care about the environment but consistently act in opposition to this value, we deceive ourselves — we don’t genuinely care.
But the good news is that the multiple challenges we face on a personal level or on a global level — are fertile ground for us to learn how to align our desires with our values.
Having said this, what is it about us strange creatures that we put so much energy into everything but reclaiming our values?
We chase promotions, accumulate material possessions, seek status, and yearn for companionship, believing that these pursuits will secure a good life. Rarely do we pause to question the validity of this assumption.
But What Could Be More Important than Choosing Our Values?
Nothing. Our values determine the quality of our lives — and the life of those around us.
The question then is: how do we choose our values? It doesn’t seem to be something we can pick up from a shelf in the supermarket, which we hear the manager claim over the loudspeaker: Attention, aisle 5 has the value SUSTAINABILITY on sale. Get yours quickly. We are selling out fast.
Let me give you a crash course in changing your values. The process is simple, but it takes some deliberate practice and contemplation.
So here we go…
Step 1. Identify values
Values are deeply rooted in our experiences. Many of us unconsciously adopted the values of our friends and family during our formative years without questioning their origins.
You can find out a lot about your values by asking yourself three simple questions like:
What is a meaningful life to you?
What does success look like for you?
What would you want people to say in your eulogy?
Once you’ve answered these questions, delve deeper by examining why you desire these things. For instance, if your aspiration is to become a doctor, ask yourself whether it’s driven by a genuine desire to help people or if it’s primarily motivated by the prospect of a lucrative income. If it’s about income, further explore why a high income matters to you — is it for a sense of security or a desire for admiration? Eventually, you may find that your “why” aligns closely with your initial question.
Step 2: Evaluate values
Once you’ve identified your values, it’s crucial to assess whether they align with the greater good or not.
Good values are those that contribute to the common good, while bad values are self-serving and can even harm others, both human and nonhuman.
The existence of universal good and bad values is a topic of extensive debate. For instance, Sam Harris argues for the existence of good values in his book “The Moral Landscape.” Additionally, Ian McGilchrist, a psychiatrist, writer, and former Oxford literary scholar, advocates for universal values, emphasizing that our existence in an intentional universe necessitates values in harmony with this intention. I may delve deeper into this topic another time.
What’s particularly relevant now — so we don’t become self-absorbed narcissists — is to select values that also benefit the common good.
Step 3: Change values
Attempting to alter someone’s values through arguments or threats typically backfires, triggering defensiveness and resistance. This holds true when we attempt to rationally convince ourselves of certain values. Instead, it’s all about experiences.
The most effective way to shift someone’s values is by immersing them in experiences that challenge those values. Consider my friend who discovered yoga; it transformed her perspective on partying.
To let go of a value, you must encounter real-life situations that contradict it. Sometimes, this contradiction arises when you take a value to its logical extreme. For instance, excessive partying can eventually render life empty and devoid of meaning. The relentless pursuit of wealth can lead to heightened stress and social isolation. Overindulgence in sensual pleasures can result in discomfort and physical issues.
Another approach to changing values is altering the narrative surrounding experiences. Take, for instance, the pain of exercise. Many individuals actually relish the discomfort it brings. If you find yourself not enjoying it, it might be due to the story you’ve created around that pain. Once you start reshaping this narrative, your perspective on the pain will also undergo a transformation.
Step 4: Practice
Changing values isn’t a quick, one-time fix.
It demands daily dedication and practice. It’s a form of discipline, but not the kind that imposes behaviors on you. Instead, it’s a conscious choice to embody a new way of being.
Monks reside in monasteries because it provides them with the ideal environment to daily practice their chosen values. However, most of us aren’t planning to move into a monastery anytime soon.
A more relatable analogy is to think of this practice as exercise. Just as a single visit to the gym won’t give you a perfectly fit body, you can’t expect to live a fulfilling life without regularly practicing the art of living well.